dos and donts of coaching

Question
My daughter was asked to play JV as an 8th grader. At the beginning of the season things were fine, but as the season progressed the coach seemed to get more and more unstable. She buddies up with about 4 girls on the team and talks about other teammates and their parents. I know this seems petty but when my daughter comes to me in tears after she is told that the coach would talk about me and her on the bus trips to away games its hard to understand. I have never had any harsh words with this coach. She is young with no children of her own. She acts like a child herself. She came into practice last week after missing a game and told the team she had a miscarriage the day before and was visibly upset. I felt sorry for her but also felt that 14 and 15 year old girls should not have been told that. My daughter catches her wispering in the ears of certain teammates and when she walks by they quit. She even tells certains girls on the bus to be rude to the other girls parents and not to listen to the varsity coach because he knows nothing about vball. Any suggestions on what to do? My daughter is ready to quit but has a bright future with vball. Thankyou.

Answer
My suggestion: Have a meeting with you, the coach, your daughter, and especially an assistant principal.
Please don抰 build in your mind how the conversation is going to go on. Go with an open mind that you are going to listen to everything the coach has to say about your questions. Try to avoid the 揥e抣l what about this and that?situations. And most of all see it as a concern before you make any allegations in front of her assistant principal. The Assistant Principal, is not there to fire a coach, they are there to fix concerns of parents. It is always a very sensitive subject when a parent does everything for their children to be successful. A non pleasant discussion with the coach will have you loose the battle.
If the coach is wrong, then she should be assigned to a mentor by the principal on what to do and not to do now and in the future but please,let the coach and assistant principal figure out the best method.Do not allow your daughter to quit. You don't want to join a club team and say that the reason you left was because of a lot of drama. They will feel that the drama might follow their establishment. Please read the following guidelines to make sure everything is understandable as your role as a parent as well as the role of the student and coach as well.
Coach Tovar

10 Guidelines for Being a Positive Player-Parent
(from Volleyball USA, Winter 2000)

1.  Cheer your player on, be supportive of her, console her, but do it without judging her, the coach, officials or teammates.
2.  Many things will aggravate you that do not even faze your player.  Do not make something into an issue if it is not an issue.
3.  Encourage your child to seek her own answers.  Coaches respect players who come to them and privately question their playing time or role; it immediately indicates they want more.
4.  Understand the rules of the game and the coaches philosophy.  Substituting in volleyball has consequences.
5.  Do your physical part as a parent.  Get your child to practice on time and pick them up promptly.  Demonstrating responsibility and commitment can be incredibly effective.
6.  Positions and talent sometimes do not match up.  Coaches attempt to do what's best for the team, putting the best physical mix and best "chemistry" on the floor.  That may mean that sometimes your daughter may be playing "out of position" in an attempt to strengthen the team.  A positive spin by you can go a long way in helping your child adjust to a new role.  Stay positive, and maybe your child will flourish.
7.  If you have real concerns, and your player has attempted unsuccessfully to work things out with the coach on her own, schedule a meeting with the coach and have your child attend with you (you may not be hearing the whole story - a common occurrence).  If you are trying to resolve a problem, help your player by being a role model in the problem solving procedure.
8.  Never approach a coach with complaints after a tough game.  Wait and schedule a visit after everyone cools off.  Most coaches are highly competitive, and just like players, do not like being confronted after tough games.
9.  Please think before criticizing anyone connected with your player's club or team.  Criticism is contagious and often hurtful.  The damage could be irreversible.
10.  Visibly show that you enjoy watching your child perform; this will make her feel better about individual participation, no matter what the role is.