QuestionHere's a question/dilemma for you. My daughter is a senior in a public high school. She has played back row volleyball the past 3 years. This year, there are 2 seniors. My daughter & another girl. We have about 13 or 14 girls on our varsity squad. 2 seniors, 3 juniors & a sophomore are the main varsity squad. The other 7-9 girls are also JV. Now... here is the problem. We have played 3 games so far. My daughter is the only one on the whole team that hasn't gotten any playing time at all. Not even a second. So far, I have kept my mouth shut but it is incredibly hard to sit there, watch us get beat 25-4 and watch my daughter sit on the bench. Last night, in the 3rd match, we were losing 20-8. Ended up 25-12. In the locker room, the coach said... "For those of you that didn't get to play, I did what was best for the team". My senior daughter is the ONLY one that did not play. Only one. So what is that saying? We're losing 20-8 and my daughter would make it worse? Are you serious?
Last year was horrible with the coaches. There were 8 or 9 meetings some parents had with the coaches, AD & principal. Obviously, it didn't do any good. This is our coach's 3rd year and out of 3 years, we have won 5 games.
She picks who plays by who she likes, where the girls are from and what their last names are. My 1st thought is to go directly to the board of education, then start with local news. Something has to be done.
I thought the job of educators, coaches & other school officials were to encourage, uplift & be fair to the students/athletes. Not tell a previous player... "You'll never play. You're just not good enough".
Any suggestions?
AnswerHello Michael:
Welcome to www.allexperts.com. I'm sorry that we meet when you and your daughter are hurting like this.
I don't understand a lot of coaches. Even when I was just starting, there were some things I just didn't do. A lot of coaches let their emotions or their attitudes get in the way of their team's success. I try not to let that happen.
A coach has to look in the mirror and say, "What's going to make my team play better? What's going to make my players love the sport, love each other, and want to play again next season?"
The answers aren't that hard. Here抯 a partial list. Kids need a coach who:
晈ill teach them;
晈ill expect great things of them;
晈ill care for them;
晈ill talk to them with respect;
晈ill explain the uncomfortable situations to them, like playing time;
晈ill clearly communicate team commitments %26 requirements weeks %26 months in advance;
晈ill allow players to laugh and sometimes just "be girls".
A coach, of course, has the power to just coach a team 100% HER WAY. Yes, she can turn her back and ignore what kids are, what they need, and what drives them away.
Now, don抰 misunderstand me. Yes, the coach can have her rules, her socks, her music, your uniforms and her practice time. But, for me, it is a 12 month-a-year work in progress ensuring that my coaching style is one that encourages kids to WANT to be there, to WANT to play next year, to ENJOY playing. Otherwise, I抣l have some players each year who will never play for you again. And that抯 the death knell for a program!
So, now here抯 another partial list! Kids will be driven away from your program if they:
昮eel like the coach doesn't care;
昮eel like the coach has no time for them;
晄ee teammates get unwarranted preferential treatment;
昮eel like the team is a bunch of individuals, not a "team";
昲ave no off-the-court contact with their teammates;
昦re embarrassed in public by their coach (I don抰 mean at the mall! haha);
昦ren抰 working hard enough to accomplishing anything;
昦re being fussed at for not doing something incorrectly that the coach never taught.
Of course I don抰 know your daughter抯 coach. But your email has made me wonder: Are there any coaches that I would consider moving, paying (or whatever I had to do) to have my child play for? I can think of two here in Roanoke. These two coaches are deeply knowledgeable in the game; yet they are class acts, loving, caring, and they set a good example for their team and the parents. And they do this whether they win or lose. Doesn't matter. They put their teams first, their players second, and winning is somewhere else; and, that's why they win so much, why their kids play so much travel ball, and why their kids always come back to play for them year after year.
If a person is coaching because they enjoy kids, then they won't abuse the kids.
If a person is coaching for some other reason (winning, the feeling of power, etc), then the coach may think that the kids deserve/need the rough treatment. But, no the coach is wrong. No one ever needs or deserves abuse.
I hold coaches up to a higher standard than the average adult. Coaches are supposed to be leaders and role models. And if they don抰 want to be, then they should not be coaching.
Even when I was 26 and in my 1st year, I expected leadership from myself. But, alas, I didn抰 really know what I was doing. So strategies would backfire. Motivational speeches would actually damage my team抯 efforts. I did some things that hurt my players?feelings and made my principal shake his head.
As I've gotten older, I抳e realized that I'll get more effort, dedication and loyalty from my players by smiling, being concerned about their school work, listening, a little teasing, encouraging, complimenting, being there for them, telling them how awesome they are, etc. So I take that road now!
I don't know if this helps you a lot. I've really only shared my coaching philosophy with you.
Before you go over coach's head, ask your daughter, "Will this help? or make your situation worse?" Then do what she says!
Maybe your program would benefit from a STAR site camp. (This is not an advertisement, but my true feelings.) Many coaches watch us and go, "Wow, the girls are working hard for you. Wow, they are smiling. Wow, I've never seen Janice play this well. HUH?" My staff and I get this type of reaction by doing what I listed above.
In fact, I just got this from one of my coaching friends in Danville, Virginia a few days ago. "I have been changing my philosophy about attacking after your articles and camps. Against our last opponent, my OH's first 3 or 4 balls were just out but she hit it hard. I pulled her because she was frustrated and looked at her and said 搆eep hitting hard, don抰 stop.? In the past, I would have shown frustration and said 'C,mon just get it in.' I put her back in and she proceeded to go out and drop 20 kills that night."
If I can help any more, please email me at
[email protected], or follow-up here on this site.
Coach Houser
