QuestionI recently sent my bubbly, energetic, sophomore Opposite to her week-long high school tryouts. Just three weeks later she has been reduced to an emotional wreck full of self-doubt, practically unable to hit a ball over the net. Some background - she made JV last year as a freshman and started the season with trepidation, intimidated to play with upperclassmen and missing her friends on the freshman team, but ended up in the starting lineup. It was not an easy season - there was a lot of drama including three varsity players quitting the team, scary stuff for a freshman on JV since they practice and travel with Varsity! She survived and improved going on to play club again on a national team. This year during pre-season they were so impressed with her play, she was the only sophomore pulled up with varsity during try-outs but she didn't make the team. We talked a lot about how JV might be a better experience anyway with more time to play and for school work. She accepted that and seemed relieved. Since then (5 games) everything has gone downhill - she has played terribly. It's like I'm not watching the same person I watched during club season and with every game it gets worse and the competition hasn't even been a challenge - they've won every game easily. A couple games in the coach pulled her aside and said she'd better start playing better ASAP. After two more games they took her out of the line-up completely. Interestingly, she tells me she is playing well during practice but not games. I think there are a lot of factors at play; the pressure she is putting on herself after losing the varsity spot and deciding she now must be the best JV player. The atmosphere is tough, there were some very brutal cuts this year and bad performance is usually met with punishment on this team. She doesn't need to hear anymore about what she is doing wrong - she knows she isn't playing well. There are freshmen on the team who are playing great and getting a lot of praise from the coaches. She is humiliated as she now views herself as the worst player on the team. Still, she will not quit despite being absolutely miserable and she is not whining about being benched....she agrees she should be benched because of how poorly she is playing. What's killing her is trying to figure out what's happening to her. Where did her game go? She is now questioning her overall volleyball ability and whether she has a future in the game. She told me she feels alone in this and that no one can help her. She forbids me to talk to the coaches but I am urging her to do so, to be frank about her dilemma and see if they can help, that she should not be alone, that's what coaches do. I'm very worried about her emotional well-being. She dreads going to volleyball now everyday and this is an intense season with over 20 games. I admire her fortitude as she continues to act like a team player, cheering her teammates on while inside she is falling apart. What can I do to help her? At what point do I start my own conversation with the coach?
AnswerGood afternoon Leigh:
Welcome to www.allexperts.com. There are a number of things that could be happening.
a) The most obvious to me is the playing environment. If a volleyball player is fussed at, punished, fussed at, punished, then she begins to get "gun shy".
When she was a freshman, she was the new girl on the block. The expectations weren't as high, the coaching staff was hard on her, but it was not unbearable b/c she was the youngster. Now, your daughter is expected to pull more of the sled's weight b/c in her coaches' eyes, she's now a "bigger dog". I can imagine a pattern of mistake, fuss, stress, mistake, fuss, stress, mistake, fuss, stress....and within a short period of time, she no longer has a free mind/spirit, the punishments & fussings are on her last nerve, she doesn't enjoy being at practice. Put all that together, and performance may diminish dreadfully. Coach pulling her aside and saying, "You need to start playing better ASAP" is NOT usually going to help a teenage girl play better.
I think what's happening to your daughter is a combination of vball & females & teenagers. And those three factors can bloom into something wonderful (one year ago) or implode into a pit of misery (now).
I wrote an article about that a few years ago...would you like a copy? If anyone would, please email at
[email protected] and ask for the "Females, Teenagers and Volleyball" article.
b) Have you seen a volleyball specialist? someone who gives lessons? That person may find flaws in her playing that she didn't realize exists. Yes, flaws do appear. Yes, spike approaches that were clean in the 8th grade, morph into something different in the 10th. It happens all the time at my lessons. I will say, "When did you become a rib scratcher?" "I'm not." "Well today you are." "You think that's my problem." "HECK YEAH!"
I just saw a match last night. The girl hit ball after ball out. I told the coach, who is a long-time friend of mine, "If she doesn't fix that armswing, she'll be doing that off and on her entire career. Remember "Janice" at XYZ University? The beast who has never started or played much b/c of her messed up arm swing? I think your player is going down that exact same road."
If you want to send me a video of her playing, practicing, etc., then I'll look at it and see if I can see anything. If possible, zoom in so that I can see her clearly.
c) Does she have a back injury? or shin or foot issues? that she's not telling anyone about? Maybe ask a few of her friends, or teachers, or her club coach. Maybe check out her Facebook page. This can NOT be in a secretive, sly, prying way. Whatever you investigate, do it b/c you love her and hate to see her hurting.
d) Is it possible that she physically matured faster than her peers? And that as a freshman on JV she was one of the better players? Now, her peers have caught up with her, she is not as good compared to them, and this fact (in addition to (a) above) is a double-whammy. What I'm saying is, if she's actually not better than her teammates any longer YET coach/daughter/mom/everyone believes that she really really should be.......wow, what a combination.
d) Have you spoken to a sports psychologist? Dave Cross at www.yesIcanvolleyball.com is an expert in that area. He may be have some tips, ESPECIALLY if you're right about playing well at practice. Consider visiting his website and get his take on it.
e) Some kids are hounded by their parents to be a star. Some parents scrutinize every play the child makes, and talks about the plays incessantly in the car on the way home from matches. Some parents even force their children to watch video of games where the parents, who aren't experts at anything but criticism, evaluate their daughter and her teammates frame by frame. Now, from what you've typed, this doesn't appear to be you. But I've had girls on my team with this type of parent, and I get emails occasionally.
I've had girls on my team that I KNEW that the parents were judging their ability to produce offspring by whether their daughters got a D1 scholarship. I could feel it. That type of pressure is immense. It sucks the fun out of playing the game. It's so sad to watch the child, head down, following the angry parents out of the gym.
f) Have you considered a professional psychiatrist? There could be something else at play that you don't recognize. When my first family member began suffering from mental illness, I had no idea what was going on. When she finally saw a psychiatrist, he fussed at me, "How did you let her get this sick?" I was like, "Huh? What?" I'll never forget it.
I don't often see teenager girls have this situation. But I've known a number of 18 - 22 year old women to develop symptoms, have to get on medication, or even come home from college. It's so sad.
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She forbids you to talk to coaches. I would too if I were her, and I'd like to leave the coaches alone. Now, you may consider talking to them if you 100% believe in your heart that the situation is (a). But, be very careful! As you must realize, many coaches will not be pleased to hear that a mom believes they are responsible for the player's collapse. Just like teachers don't want to hear that they are the reason the child isn't doing well, and moms don't want to hear they are the reason their children aren't performing well.
I hope that this has given you a few options. Please keep in touch with me by email at
[email protected], or by follow up here.
And for all this typing haha, please visit me at www.coachhouser.com. I think you'll LOVE the smiling faces! We've already got 3 site camps scheduled for NEXT summer! I can't wait!
Coach Houser
Roanoke, Va
