Has my 14-year old daughter reached her peak?

Question
QUESTION: Hi Tom,

My daughter is 5'10"  and has been playing volleyball for 4 years.  I have been
told that she is still growing into her body and still needs to develop before
we can see her full potential.  She has very big hands and a size 13 shoe size,
her full arm reach is very high because her legs and arms are very long.  Does
she still have a chance of getting better or do you think after 4 years and her
age this is the best she is going to be.  She is very slow on her feet and not
very smooth.  Should she stop playing or continue on, she made her JV team
as a freshman and they are a very good team in our area, but she never plays?  
Please help us understand 1 why she is not playing and 2 if she should
continue...thanks, Tami

ANSWER: Good morning Tami:

It's great to hear from you!  Welcome to www.allexperts.com.

You have an interesting dilemma. However, you're approaching it like its one of the most important things in her life.  It's not.  A partial list of what's more important is:

a) Her health
b) Her safety
c) Her academics
d) On and on.....

I have both good news and "Oh oh" news.  First the "oh oh".  

My advice: What does SHE want to do?  Does SHE want to be on the team.  Forget if she's playing or not.  That's not important.  What's important is whether she wants to play club ball this winter/spring. Does she want to go to camps this coming summer?  When your daughter makes these decisions, then please support her.  

In other words, please do not contaminate her thinking with, "If you're not going to play, then why continue?"  She may LOVE the activity.  She may LOVE her teammates and admire her coach.  

Would you tell her, "Since you're not one of the top 6 math students in your Algebra II class, then why continue?"  You may say, Coach Houser, that's a stupid comparison!  Algebra II is needed for college. No, she doesn't have to go to college.  Algebra II is an elective for most students; and, college is an elective for ALL students.  Just like athletics.  So, let her decided:  Let her drop Algebra II and drop volleyball whenever SHE wants to.

Why do I want you to not bother her with your thoughts?  (a) B/c you are very influential in her life and will alter her perception of things like boys, grades, what is considered "success," etc. (b) SHE needs to decide this.  If she is happy, let her continue.  If she is not, then she'll tell you one day, "Mom, I think I'm not going to go to camp this summer. I don't think I'll even play next fall."  You will answer, "Are you sure?  Why are you saying this?"  Then her decision can be HER decision, and she'll be satisfied with it.  Otherwise, too much input from her parents may make her give it up just to get mom off her back; and, then when she misses it dreadfully, she'll blame you.  (c) When a teenager makes this kind of decision, she has ownership of it.  She will learn about herself, she will learn about consequences of continuing/quitting.  She needs to make this decision; and, make it in her own time.

Mom, just b/c you're frustrated/embarrassed by her not playing, that's no reason for you to say, "If she's not going to improve any more, let's just chuck the entire thing."  That sounds like either you expect that your daughter must have some sort of stardom, or what she's giving 30 hours a week on isn't worth even trying.  Really?  What she's already given 2000 hours isn't worth continuing?  Really?  Back to Alegra...you mean if she is the 10th best Alg student in the class, just drop it?  I don't think that's what you really believe.  But since your daughter is seen by a hundred people at every volleyball game not being a star (unlike in Algebra, where no one really knows how embarrassed the family is), it's hard for a parent to deal with.  Sometimes humiliating.  Sometimes infuriating!    

She will get over the lack of playing time.  You must also. Don't mention it.  Don't say anything negative about your daughter ("Are you not even trying in practice?"), the girls playing ahead of her ("I can't believe Jill is playing and you're not), or about the coach ("Jill makes dozens of mistakes every night.  And Coach never yanks her.") Otherwise, you'll be driving a wedge in daughter's brain between her mom that she loves and her team that she loves.  She can have both.  You must ensure that she has both.  And when she's ready to leave one, she will.  On her own.  

Now for the GOOD NEWS!

Every kid matures at a different rate.  In 1994, Wendy was a 5'2" freshman.  She grew to 5'10".  It was unreal!  Freaky even.  In 1992 Niquita was a soph and just could NOT time a high set.  When she was a senior she was team MVP, first team all-conference, etc.  In 1985 Sonya was 5'5" 90 pounds had one drooping eye-lid.  I was actually scared for her to be on the team.  In 1988, when she was senior, she was still 5'5", but was 120 pounds, the eye lid was fixed, and she was conference player of the year and still holds every serve receive record at the school.  

Now, this is not always the case, of course.  Yes, there are girls who are stars in the 7th grade, then never reach that level again b/c their teammates *zoom* right by them.  Nothing the ex-star can do about it.  Personally, when I was in the 5th grade, I could do ANYTHING with ANY of my peers.  By 7th grade, they had passed me and by 9th grade my athletic career was over.  It was very hard to deal with.  But since I've been teaching and coach, one motto I repeat to myself both in the gym and in the classroom: "Never give up on kids."  I say this b/c of Niquita, Sonya and Wendy.  I recommend your daughters coaches and teachers do the same.  And parents.  Otherwise, girls who are too early "pigeon-holed" into stardom, uselessness, or role players will never see their potential reached.  

But, even the good news requires that you let her do what she wants.  Maybe in the 11th grade, she'll be a star.  Maybe she'll be cut.  Maybe she'll have already given the sport up and gone on to the debate team, the yearbook staff, etc.  But let her be and it'll all work out fine.  Just please be there if there are ever any pieces that need picking up.  :)  

Is there anything else I can do for you?  If there is, please follow up. Have a great day!  72 degrees and sunny here in Virginia. What a wonderful time of the year!  I hope that you have time to visit me at www.coachhouser.com!  

Coach Houser
www.coachhouser.com  
  


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for your answer!  It all makes sense let her do what she wants and
stay out of it....I was just getting sick of hearing people tell me that she has still
not grown into her body.  I feel like they have not been honest with me.  With
that said, she loves the game, her teammates and her coaches.   And yes her
health, happiness and grades are much more important......Best , Tami  

Answer
Hey Tami
Welcome back!
I saw that you read my answer, but when you didn't rate it, I was like, "Oh, oh, maybe I was too mean."  I didn't mean to be.  But, as a person who has no stake in the situations here at www.allexperts.com, I have the freedom (and duty!) to call is as I see it.

Now, about what you hear, there are dozens of girls who are 5'10", 6'2", etc. who never get to play much.  I remember several on my step-daughter's high school team.  Then there are girls who are 5'2" that play at lot.  Whatever.  Your daughter may become a beast, may not.  No problems.  You said she likes her team, her coach, and the sport.  That's really all that matters in this situation.

Now, if you've spent any time on my website, you may have encountered my site camp business.  It may be right for your school! If your coach has any questions, he/she can email me anytime.  

If I can be of any further help, please contact me here or at [email protected].

Coach Houser
Roanoke, Va