QuestionMy daughter is an 8th grader playing varsity. She starts and plays every game
unless they play a weak team where she may be taken out for at most one
game. She is a setter and averages about 15-20 assists but is never
mentioned. Plus the girls on the bench constantly give the other setter her
assists. She is a trained libero but her high school coach put her in as a setter.
There are two on the team and they usually play 2/4 but in the newspaper she
is never mentioned and when her name was mentioned they listed her as a
player who is carving out her position. She is constantly being yelled at
whether she gets a kill, makes a beaut of a pass, assist or makes an error. I
am tired of telling her its all ok...I am at a loss for words! I dont want to be
seen as a complainer but I feel bad for my daughter. Any advice?
AnswerGood evening again!
I just noticed that I didn't finish pasting the article. I'm sorry. Here is the rest of it.
Coach Houser
www.coachhouser.com.
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Good evening Jenna!
It's great to hear from you! I'm sorry that you're experiencing this situation.
First off, let's touch on recognition. The only thing my players don't get equally is playing time. They get equal practice time, equal compliments, equal praise, equal name calling at the beginning of matches (we don't announce starters and they stand in jersey order), and even equal recognition. Really. I keep track of my players' names in the newspaper and at the end of the season, I make sure they have all been in there equally. Even if the 13th girl on the team only appears in 8 matches, then the newspaper will read about 5 or 6 times that season: "Jenna Jones had 2 digs and one kill." Not recognizing players isn't in the team's best interests.
Second, you mention that your coach is mean to your daughter. Here is an article I wrote a few years ago about just that.
If you have any other questions/comments, please follow up or email me at
[email protected].
Coach Houser
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I was coaching at a junior tournament this past weekend. At nearly every tournament I attend, I see coaches who try to "teach" or "motivate" their players by fussing and hollering and berating them. I put those words in quotation marks b/c as a high school teacher, I know that fussing at teens in public is neither teaching nor motivating.
Here are my thoughts on why I coach the way I do. I抦 not saying I抦 right, but like normal, I believe I am! Haha .
Don抰 You Like Your Players? Then Show
Some Self-Control!
If I were to embarrass a player, then what does that birthday card mean that I gave her the week before? Nothing. I like my players too much to be mean or hateful The thought displayed by the card is cancelled by my lack of self-control, forethought, self-discipline厖whatever you want to call it. Maybe it抯 just a lack of character. Hmmmmm.
From A Teacher: Here Are Nine Ways To Teach Children.
There are a number of other ways to get a child's attention other than embarrassing her in public.
* Tell her privately, one-on-one;
* Tell her at practice;
* Take the player out of the game for a few minutes and explaining why;
* Show her video of what she抯 doing wrong;
* Diagram what you want the player to do on a piece of paper;
* Ask her to watch a teammate or an opponent perform the skill that you want to see her perform;
* Give her a sheet of paper and have her write or diagram the skill;
* Work with her privately after or before practice on the skill you want to see;
* Have a teammate work with her one-on-one. Sometimes kids hear kids better than they hear adults.
Why Should A Coach Fuss When The Mistakes Aren抰
Intentional?
I have 9 players on my team. Each of them cares about their game and their team. None of my players are making mistakes purposely. So if I accept that my players are trying/caring/conscience people, why fuss at them when they make a mistake? That makes no sense. The only time that I should really get upset is when a player knowingly does something that hurts/disrupts the team. Missing a serve, touching the net, or swinging and missing at an opponent抯 overpass isn't in that category.
Here抯 When I Do Get Fired Up!
OK, I did get upset once on Saturday. We were playing a good team, but we all thought we were better. We thought we had a chance to win the entire tournament, but our play over the past 10 minutes had been stagnant. I called a timeout, and I talked while everyone else listened. I did this NOT because I was mad, but because we all wanted to win, the players wanted to play better
and they couldn抰 fix it on their own. We ended up winning both games vs. that team and we did so without me hurting anyone抯 feeling or saying anything that I regretted. But it doesn抰 always work out that well. About 2 hours later, we split two games vs. the team that finished 3rd. I tried everything I could. We just couldn抰 win the 2nd game (after winning the first game 25-10!) But,that抯 volleyball. That抯 8th and 9th graders. With each of our spikes that sailed out, after each time we were tooled, after each spike that sizzled past our digger, my team got more upset. They were saying, 揅ome one! We can抰 lose this!!? I just encouraged, made subs, called timeouts, etc. Again, I tried to help my team win while doing nothing to hurt my team.
Club Ball Can Be Great For The Kids, Unless
The Coach Screws It Up!!
95% of club teams aren't going to win big. Most club teams shouldn't be about winning. I spent 9 years coaching club in Martinsville, Virginia. We went two entire YEARS where none of our teams had a winning record at any tournament they attended. I matured a lot as a coach during those years. I learned through all those beatings to concentrate on the big picture. The result: our school team never lost more than 5 matches in a season for 15 consecutive years!! Club ball should be about improving, traveling (Columbus OH this weekend!!!!!), going to malls, growing up and maturing (with the coach as an example!), playing the sport you love, meeting new teammates, learning new things, etc.
Coach In A Style That Helps Your Team Play Better!
Let's turn that last topic on its head. Of course we want to win. I like winning. In fact, I like winning SO MUCH that I抳e adapted this style of coaching!! Honestly, are your players more likely to play well when they're feeling good, or when they've just been fussed at? When they like their coach, or when they're p'd off at him? When they抮e smiling, or when they have tears in their eyes. Many coaches just don抰 understand that. They fuss at their players for playing poorly, then they expect that player to play better. WHAT? That doesn抰 even make sense. Over the years, I抳e heard dozens of my players say, 揗ost girls don抰 play better after they抮e fussed at.? And they抮e right.
Nearly Everyone Does Better When They抮e Treated Positively
Kids will play better with pats on the back, smiles, encouragement, reminders, laughing, etc. Last night at practice a player told me,"When my school coach fusses at me, I'm scared to try anything. I just make sure I just keep the ball in play." Is that what we want our spikers to do? Really? Never make a mistake? You and I need to talk.
How Did Saturday抯 Tournament End?
By the way, we finished 6-2 on our net, but so did our main rival. So we had to play a one game playoff. The other team had a 搗olcano?coach: One that boils and bubbles until he explodes all over someone. One time he hollered at his MB, 揑 don抰 ever want to see that again! DO YOU HEAR ME?? The girl just cringed and turned her back. Many coaches 搗olcano?not because of their team抯 effort/intensity/caring, but because of the scoreboard. That抯 especially typical for a young male coach. And that抯 a serious coaching blunder: (I know. I used to fight that. Sometime I failed.) If the team is winning but playing horribly, the short-sighted coach will keep his/her anger under control. But if the team is losing, even if they抮e playing well, this coach will just lose it. What are those coaches teaching their players?
By the way, we won that playoff game 25-19. I don抰 know if I抦 a better tactician than the any other coach at that tournament, but I do know I have the happiest team!
Want An Example Of Loving/Caring Coaches?
One team at the tournament on Saturday lost four of their starters several weeks after the season had started. So they had to go recruit other players. After seeing them play, it appears that their new players are all rookies. After two tournaments their match record is 0-11. Should the coaching staff 搗olcano? Holler and scream? Quit? I thought the coaches displayed love, patience and class. CONGRATS to them!! I抳e been there. It抯 a lot harder to be cool when you抮e losing.
You Will Win, But Maybe Not As Much As You抎 Like.
As long as you have a pulse, you'll win games; unless, they kick you out of the program first. Some years you抣l win a lot. Most years you抣l win about as many as you lose. Some years you may have the 0-11 team. That抯 the way it is. So, coaches, don't take winning so seriously that you'll adversely affect your players' peace of mind, fun, love of the game, etc. If I am the reason my player can't sleep at night, if I抦 the reason she gives up the game or quits the team, then they shouldn't be calling me "coach," because I'm not coaching. There are other words for adults like that. And a new coach is needed.
