How can I help a player become tougher mentally?

Question
QUESTION: I have a 15 year old player in club ball.  She is a outside/middle.  We just finished a tournament where she completely fell apart.  The easiest of passes she could not complete, she could not block or could she adjust to any play.  As a mother I watched in complete sorrow, knowing mentally she was defeated.  In this last match we played where she fell apart there was 2 scouts in view, and the coach of the other team repeatedly called put her # to serve and hit at.  My question is how do you tell her to shut her mind door to all that is going on around her?  Do you know of any specific books that might be helpful?  She has the physical ability, which is always improving but I don't believe she knows how to develop the mental.  Barb

ANSWER: Good afternoon Barb!

Scouts?  Watching a 15?  Is she some kind of freak-of-nature athlete?  I'm coaching 16's, we've won 68% of our games (just won a tournament yesterday), we have the #4 ranked team in our region.... and (a) I don't care if scouts are watching and (b) I wouldn't tell my players if they were.  

Barb:  from a man who's been there, done that.... a college scholarship is like a big trophy on someone's mantle.  it's not all that it's cracked up to be.  Some parents here in Roanoke believe that, "If my baby doesn't get a scholarship, she has failed as an athlete, we have failed as breeders, we can't show our faces in public."  Of course, they don't say that, but that's the impression that they give everyone who knows them well.  They subscribe to every publication, they attend every showcase, they email every college coach who has a pulse, they will travel anywhere/anytime to take lessons from someone they respect, etc.  Do they care if their child is tired?  Not really.  Do they care that she can only sleep 6 hours a night to keep her grades up? No, not really.  

Barb, I tell you and all parents this so that you will not become this.  My daughter played 4 years of D1 ball, and after the 2nd and the 3rd years, I told her, "If you want to not play next year, I will write a check for the scholarship money that you're losing."  There is no more glamor in D1 college ball for this family, and I don't wish her experience on my worst enemy.  

Now to your question.  I am attaching here a long article written by Dave Cross.  He writes this to a coach, but it can help a parent as well.  Dave is not good at paying me when I work for him, haha, but he's an expert at the mental aspect of volleyball.

Have a great day!  I hope you will find time to visit me at www.coachhouser.com!  I am directing 7 camps this summer, but I still have room for one more:  July 18 - 21.  If there's a coach who would like to host a fun, intense, exciting, yet affordable volleyball camps, one of my staff can probably come there any week during the summer.  

Coach Houser

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Seven Keys to Improving a Player's Self-Confidence

-By Dave Cross


"Geez, she has the ability, if I could only get
her to believe in herself!"  How many times do
you remember muttering this frustrating phrase-or
sitting there listening to a colleague lament the
same thoughts?  We have all worked with young
players whose own worst enemy is themselves -
they constantly hold themselves back unwittingly
from even coming close to reaching their
potential due to a simple lack of self
confidence.  

As coaches, we will invariably try our best to get
this young person to see they are actually much
better than they think they are. We constantly tell
her that she is good, that she needs to believe
in herself-have more self confidence.  But, usually
after a period of time we become frustrated in their
lack of progress and inconsistent play and simply
throw our hands up and say, "she's just a head case".  

You see, it takes up a lot of our time and energy
working with a player like this.  And we do get
frustrated with the situation-we start to focus
on the other players we could be spending this
extra time helping.  We start to compare the
un-confident player with others on the team that
seem to pick up things and improve more quickly.
We ask ourselves, "Why can't 'Suzy' just do
things like 'Jill' does?"

Coaches: No matter what, you simply can not do this!  
You must keep in mind that you are the one this young
player looks up to - the one she is looking to for
guidance.  If you give up, she will pick up on
this.  Then what do you think will happen?  (It
surely won't be what either of you really want to
happen.)

And please, whatever you do, don't allow yourself to
be one of those coaches who dismisses the situation
by saying, "I don't have time for this mental stuff,
I've got skills to teach, we've got some big matches
coming up, either she gets out of it or she doesn't."  
Whether you like it or not, helping this young player
is part of the coaching job you accepted.  Making the
effort to help this player will not only help her and
your team - it will make you a better coach in
the long run - and the next time you run into
this situation you'll be better equipped to help
the player more quickly!

Take the following steps to teach the un-confident
player how to change her mental state.  You will see
improvement in her game - and at the same time you'll
be teaching both her and yourself some valuable
tools that can be used in any area of life.
Please remember that how long it takes to develop
confidence as a player varies. You have to take
into account the player's personality and any and
all outside influences, also.

1. Visualizations-teach her to visualize herself
performing each skill perfectly in competition.
Tell her to watch herself making the play to win
the match-and watch the celebration after the
win. Make sure to include seeing the score before
and after the play, hear the crowd, watch the
reactions of all to her match winning play. This
should be done every day as she lays down to go
to sleep at night, when she first wakes up in the
morning, or during a quiet time during the day
when she has time for a break from her schedule.
When I teach this technique at camp, I am always
asked, "How many should I do?"  I always answer
this question with one of my own: "Well, how good
do you want to be?"  It is very easy to do one
hundred repetitions of a visualization in ten
minutes time-does your player have at least ten
minutes to give to her own improvement?  Of
course, they do-you just need to help them look
at it this way.

2. Self-affirmations-teach her to use short,
positive statements, and repeat these
to herself over and over daily. Things like, "I'm
an awesome hitter".  These statements should be
said with a positive, energized tone of voice.
These can be done at any time, at home, during
school, in the lockerroom before practice or a
match, during warmups, and even during the dead
time between plays or at time-outs. Remember one
of our key teaching points:  The sub-concious
believes what you tell it!  Hint: Sometimes girls
will resist doing this because they have the idea
that doing this is acting "cocky", or "stuck-up".
If this is the case, point out that only when you
make statements such as these to others can it be
perceived this way-because you making the
statement in an attempt to impress others-but
when you are saying these things to yourself you
are not trying to impress anyone else- just
yourself.

3. Make sure to continually praise her
for nice plays. Make sure to do this in front of
her teammates. Take the time to point out to her
what she has done-and how good it was. It is very
important to praise the effort-not just the
result.  If a player goes up aggressively and
hits down the line as you want her too, praise
her for the effort- whether she was successful or
not.  In doing so, you will reinforce her efforts
to improve and she will continue to focus on
improving-and not the fact that she's not there
yet in terms of successfully executing the skill.

4. Enlist others on the team to help-explain to
them why they need to help- that in helping their
teammate they are in turn helping the team- and
themselves.  Keep in mind that peer pressure has
a huge influence in any team sport situation.
Negative reactions from one's teammates can have
a huge effect on a players performance.  Again,
point out to her teammates that this is only
hurting the team they are a part of.

5. Talk to her parents and enlist their help- and
make sure they are not actually hindering the
process with their comments and actions. Sometimes
parents actually impede the process unwittingly with
their comments. Now, the vast majority of parents
actually mean well and want nothing but for their
daughter to play well and be happy.  Sometimes
they just don't know how to go about it-that's
exactly why they aren't coaches themselves!

6. Have her set short-term, attainable goals and
track their progress-and make a big deal out of
it when she attains them. These goals should be
focused on skill improvement and include a
specific plan on how that improvement will be
accomplished.  Have your player write these goals
down and make copies.  Then have them placed in
strategic spots at home and school where they
will be seen on a daily basis.  

7. Talk to her about her self-talk and help her
to see that talking negatively to herself is hurting
her-not helping.   Remind her to use our "clearing"
method whenever frustration starts to build - and
then rely on her self-affirmations and
visualizations to make it through this rough
period.

Lastly, sit her down and chat with her
informally about why she feels she has no
confidence. Don't let her pass on an answer with
"I don't know." If she says that, reply with, "I
know you don't know, but what do you think?" Use
this phrase exactly-you'll be amazed at the
information you will get out of her. Whenever she
makes a statement ask her "How do you know this?"
Give her time to think of a response-and never
put words into her mouth-you want to get her
thoughts out-not give her your thoughts.   By
doing this, you can get past the "generic
responses" she has developed to cope with others
who have tried to talk to her about this and get
to her real thoughts on the situation.

-Dave Cross
National Director
Yes I Can Volleyball
www.yesicanvolleyball.com


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thank you for your quick response.  To follow up my daughter is in a 16 league, but is the youngest on the team.  Your answer was good, though I think I did not stress my question well.  I was not worried about the scout, I was taking into account all the distractions around my daughter while she melted down.  The coach of the other team was repeatedly yelling her number to his players as if to say I found the weak link. My daughter clearly heard this and her team is always aware of the scouts at games.  I want to be able to help her find a way to shut out the distractions and just play the game.  Again thank you and Good luck to you and your team.  Barb

Answer
Good evening Barb:
I'm sorry, but I'm not a sports psychologist.  
W/o knowing your daughter, I don't think I can help her.
And if Dave Cross can't give your the words that you need, I don't think I can either.  
Here at AllExperts.com, is there a Sports Psychology section?  I'm not sure.  But you may want to investigate it.  
Thank you again for visiting.  I wish I could have been more help.  
Coach Houser
Roanoke, Va
www.coachhouser.com