Issues with Coach

Question
My daughter is in her 4th season playing club vball (she's 16). This season she's with two coaches, who are pretty much good cop/bad cop. The bad cop has put her in during a practice running a new setup she didn't know and then told her "you should know that!" and "just leave". The good cop talks much more nicely to her but doesn't do anything when this stuff happens. All of sudden in a recent tourney, she only played 3/11 sets the first day, and then played more the second due to another player's injury. Also she was put in a spot she hadn't practiced for and expected to execute. I know she's a teenager and can get an attitude, but she's totally ready to quit the sport after 4 club seasons, 2 hs seasons, and 2 summers of clinics and camps. She's too upset to even discuss this now but has practice Wednesday. The "good" coach has advised her to play harder in practice, but it's the other coach who runs the practices. She's not being very flexible and being a typical teenager, doesn't want to consider her own culpability or how to suck it up and be more enthusiastic. She's questioning her ability and value as a player as this point, which is just very sad. What do you recommend? (At 16, she doesn't want me to talk to the coaches, which I agree with.)

Answer
Good afternoon and welcome to www.allexperts.com!
It's great to hear from you, but I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this situation.

Before I go on, I know that a lot of coaches visit this site:  Our #1 rule is the following:  Always do what's in the best interests of the team.  Sometimes, that's buying them cake.  Sometimes -- but rarely -- that's punishing.  Sometimes, that means leaving your team and taking some time off.  More often, that's a calm, respectful "That doesn't happen here.  We don't do it that way.  Is that clear?"  

What the coaches are doing in the situation you described may be in the best interests of the team.  I don't know.  I'm not there.  (Did "Bad Cop" really kick her out of practice? Oh my.)  But it doesn't appear as though it's working for your daughter.  Thank you for telling me a little about your daughter b/c that gives me more certainty that you're seeing both sides of the story.  

Here is what I recommend:

a) It's your daughter's team, her flesh and sweat she leaves on the floor, etc.  At her age, I believe she must be the one to take the lead with how this situation is dealt with.  Plus, I'm sure you know that, if she makes decisions, then she will probably tolerate the consequences.  If you make those decision, try to influence her, or try to "help" too much, then the consequences will be from YOUR actions; thus, she will probably not take ownership of those consequences, and will learn much less from the situation, and probably be resentful of your involvement.  I think you know what I mean.  For example, when I'm a high school coach, I let the seniors help me pick out the shoes.  In this way, I'm guaranteed that the team will be satisfied with them!  Why?  B/c they picked them out!  haha  

So, this is my first piece of advice to you.  It's her baby; she must tend to it.  

However, if you are told (or suspect) something is happening illegal or abusive, then it becomes your duty & obligation to confront with it.  "I'm sorry, darling, this is now parent territory."  

b) Sure be there to listen, as she will probably need a sounding board. I hope she not just doing it all Facebook chatting.  But, please do not judge her or even offer much advice.  Maybe don't even give your opinion.  She sounds like a teen who would think momma's advice isn't helpful.  "Mom, you don't know anything about it."  And that's the way probably 50% of 16's would deal with momma's advice.  When my stepdaughter was going through a challenging college athletic situation, I tried to follow the same advice I just gave you (even though I certainly had some strong opinions). She was an adult, it was her team, she had to make her down decisions.  When she asked my opinion, I answered her questions.  I would ask her some questions, but it was her prerogative to answer.  However, if she had asked for my help, I would have been there before the echo stopped.  I think you would react the same way.  

c) Giving it up? The would be sad.  But it happens.  Here in Roanoke, many girls give up gymnastics, soccer, basketball, etc. as they get older.  Sometimes it's burnout.  More often it's just because kids lose interest in one thing, and gain interest in another.  Mostly, however, it's the competition is too strong, or the commitment required is just too great.  It's usually not, "I can't play for these ___ coaches any longer." I can't imagine giving up my passions b/c I can no longer deal with certain people.  That would really rattle my cage.  

d) Finally, you say typical.  I don't know if she's typical.  On my recent 16's teams, only about 10% to 20% of girls are "not being very flexible" and "don't want to consider their own culpability".  But, yes, those teens do exist.  When I deal with players like that (won't change, won't congratulate teammates, won't suck it up), and I think I've tried everything I know of to get their attention, then I will withhold a portion of their playing time until they either change or quit.  Some of my past players are probably reading this right now going, "Is he talking about me?"  Well, those former players can email me, and we'll chat about it!  

Notice that I haven't spoken about the coaching situation much.  Nothing we can do about that, unless sometime illegal or abusive is going on.  

I hope that she doesn't have to quit.  Some club directors remember girls who quit, and do not take them back the next year.

I don't feel as though I've said anything you didn't already know.  If I have any follow-ups, you can contact me again here, or email me at [email protected].  And one more thing.  Do you have a moment to visit my website at www.coachhouser.com?  If so, I think you'll enjoy the smiling faces.  I also have 2 open weeks this summer to direct a site volleyball camp.  If your daugther's high school coach would be interested in that, please have the coach(s) contact me anytime.  

Have a great week! I'll be in Atlanta this coming weekend with my NRV 16 National team.  Will you guys be there?  
Coach Houser