Lack of skill makes us want to move down to a lower/weaker club team

Question
We made a top team and our skill level is lower than the team. What are the things to consider if we try to move down to a lower team. Season started 2 months ago. Our main concern at tryouts were just to be on a team to play. Hind sight is 20/20. We are not sure if we even have any options at this point.

1. Staying on top team is good experience. But the lost confidence and lower self-esteem is not worth it.
2. Moving down, the team has already been formed, bonding and playing.
3. Try to move up an age level onto the 3rd team if we feel we have similar skill level.

From your experience what problems and advise do you have? Does this happen occasionally?

Thank you,
Jaylyn

Answer
Hello Jaylyn!

It's great to hear from you and I hope it's been a wonderful winter season! Snow here in Virginia has canceled schools now for the 2nd day in a row!

Before I start, I have a few questions:
a) Is your daughter being abused on her present team?  Abuse would be having to deal with cursing by coaches at her in a personal fashion ("What the __ are you doing??), ridiculous punishments, a coach who displays romantic feelings toward her, hearing "You aren't good enough for this team," or hearing "I don't know we kept you," etc.  
b) Is she being withheld from drills?  in other words, b/c she isn't quite as skilled as her teammates, does she spend in inordinate amount of time at practice shagging? watching? tossing?  

I'm assuming that none of the above are happening.  
If they are, then please follow up, and I have different advice than what I'm going to share with you below.  

OK, your email worries me.  
* Low self-esteem?
We agree that she isn't quite as skilled as her teammates.  Neither is she maybe as gifted in math as some of her classmates.  Neither is she probably as strong in biology as some of her classmates.  When those occur, does she drop to a lower math and/or lower biology class b/c of self-esteem issues? b/c she's not quite at the level of her classmates.  No, you would probably say, "We'll stick it out."  My response:  "WHY???  Those B's and C's she's getting are (a) PERMANENT and (b) much more important to her future than any sports performance will be."   So, you're more likely to persevere in an challenging academic situation? but you will bolt from a challenging athletic situation....isn't that backwards?   

* Loss of confidence.
So are you saying that if she drops down to a team that's inferior to the one she's a member of now, that will help her confidence?  Why? How? That doesn't make sense to me. Getting playing time on an inferior team (that gets crushed every time they play a strong team) will help an athlete's confidence?  Getting playing time on a team that only plays similarly weak teams, and never tangles with elite teams like the one was earlier a member of....helps one's confidence? Only if the person is blind to reality.   

One benefit you will derive from joining a weaker team is maybe more playing time -- maybe more playing time.  Another benefit is -- if she completely ignores the facts of her situation -- maybe some confidence/self-esteem improvement.  The disadvantages of joining another team are numerous.

Disad 1:  She may be labeled a quitter.  In some communities, this label is like the Scarlet Letter.
Disad 2:  She and her family may be labeled as, "If we don't get out way, we'll leave."  This label is often even worse.  Both 1 and 2 could lead you to being black-balled from not only the club you're on now, but other clubs in your area.  Sure, that's fair.  Do I keep a girl who quit a team last year b/c things didn't go her way?  Unlikely.  
Disad 3:  She will probably not be able to join any other team.  If someone came to me now and said, "Hey Coach Houser, Phyllis would like to join your team," I'd answer, "Sorry.  Should have told me back in October."  I expect loyalty from my players, thus I'm loyal to them.  I will go with the players I have UNLESS I lose a girl in one certain position, and no other girl on my team wants to play that position.  
Disad 4:  She may not be allowed to switch clubs!  In the Old Dominion Region, after a girl has participated in one tournament, she may not change club for any reason until Jr Nationals are over in July.
Disad 5:  On any other team, she will learn at a slower pace.
DIsad 6:  If she is able to join another team AND earns any playing time, expect parents to ignore/dislike you and your spouse for "hurting" their child, and expect your daughter's teammates to ostracize her as hurting a team member & as a boat-rocker.  
Disad 7:  Many lower team have fewer practices and younger/poorer coaches.
Disad 8:  You will lose A LOT of money leaving one team.  There will probably be no refund b/c the practices and tournaments will still have to be paid for. Even worse, if you have an outstanding balance, the team you're leaving may still require you to make full payment.  Refusal can result in your daugthter's loss of eligibility to play next season. This is the case in the Old Dominion Region.  This rule exists to prevent parents from saying, "If you don't do what we want, we will leave and take our money with us."
Disad 9:  You may not be given a pro-rated fee when/if you join a new team.  In other words, you'll be paying the full fees for 2 teams.  Wow!  

Are the hurt feelings you mentioned HER feelings? or her parents?
* Is she being encouraged by her parents to be thrilled at learning & improving at a rate that girls on lesser teams can only dream of?  
* Or is she is being pitied by her parents b/c she's not one of the top 10 players on the team that she's presently on?  Do her parents pity her -- and bolt to a new school -- when she doesn't land one of the top 10 hunkiest boys at the Homecoming Dance?  Do her parents switch her to an easier class when she's not one of the top 10 students in a math or biology class?  Or do they tough it out?  
* Do her parents concentrate on the minor pain of today?  or the glory that the future may hold?  

I'm not angry, and I'm not angry with you.  Since I've been on the "other side" since 1985, I have a perspective that's different than most parents.  

I have seen girls leave a team for reasons I considered insignificant, and most suffer long-term consequences of that decision.  However, those that stayed and persevered, received accolades, letters of recommendation, employment from me, good words to college coaches/recruiters, etc.  

Regardless:  I tell the truth about my players.  I take care of those who completed what they promised to do!  Likewise, I tell the truth about those who broke their word to their coaches and teammates.  

At this point:
* I'm just not convinced of the severity of your daughter's pain.  Yes, it's personal and it exists.  How permanent is it?  How damaging is it?  
* I'm not convinced that she is the only contributor to that pain.  
* However, there may be serious and long-lasting effects of leaving the team you guys are members of now.  

Please contact me if I can do anything else for you.
I hope that you have a great week.  My team will be at K-2 Elite in Sevierville TN this weekend.  I can't wait!!