Competitive play

Question
Martial, my question is kind of frustrating to me. I have a 1st year squirt 9yrs old. This is his 2nd year on ice, but 4th year playing Hockey (inline). My son has the skills and knowledge of the game. He practices very hard and even practices with the upper pee wees kids. But as soon as its game time he is in his own world. No drive to play, he skates all around then he'll play for a min then back to his own thing. I am by far a crazy parent that yells at his kid for things of this nature. Its just frustrating to see this as you, I also been playing 30+ years and coach mite level kids. I see the promise in my son to make it to the college level if he sticks with it. How do I get the inner star in him out during game play? I've asked him if he is scared or nervous but continues to deny that he isn't. Thank you for your time. And again I am not one of those crazy parents.

Answer
Hi Chris....

Good morning Jeff...

I can certainly empathize with what you are experiencing.  Without knowing "MORE" about your son's total experience it may be difficult to pinpoint what could be the issue here.

I can offer a couple question/ideas from my experience and you can maybe explore these...

Sometimes a child may lose "energy" because of a particular conflict with a teammate or coach...  a certain fear from some sort of intimidation.  Of course - I don't know if your son speaks openly about these things - but some kids don't necessarily ... so you may need a slow heart to heart talk to find out this sort of stuff...

An alternative may be to speak with some of his friends, or parents of his friends if he "travels" with others.  They may have overheard something.

It is GREAT that you are concerned by this as there could be underlying problems that he may need guidance on...

Here are some other ideas?

Is there something different between practices and games?  Is there someone or something at games that is not at practices or vice versa?

Is there a bully on the team?  Is it possible that he is being teased about his play in games - and he does not like it?

Maybe he witnessed or experienced something at "game time" that is troubling him and makes it hard for him to "feel" fully energized or at ease?

No doubt there may be a part of him that really wants to please his parents... so you may have to somehow make it clear (if you can) that you will be happy and proud and love him no matter what he chooses to do ...  providing he gives it his "all" - ...

Maybe is afraid of failing or disappointing a coach, teammate or parent?  Practices are typically less "formal" so they carry less importance or emotion!?

Maybe he likes hockey and the aspects of it like skating and puck handling - but competition is not his thing?  How does he do in other sports or games?  

Maybe he has found a passion and does not know how to tell you about it?  That might distract him some too?  Maybe he is still searching for a passion that really turns him on??

All this to basically say - that there may be something more that is not fully known...  all I can offer is be patient, offer him compassion and let him open up somehow --  that will probably be the "best" way to find out...

It can take a while - so go with the flow - show genuine interest in him and "his" life - keep talking ...  never give up on him ...  

Otherwise hang in there ... most often it is a passing fad.  But know that he is lucky to have you -- you would be surprised at how many parents care less!

After thoughts:  Have you asked your son - exactly what HE really really wants/likes?  Obviously he needs to feel free to speak his heart's desire for you to really know.   Now some kids just don't know - and so as a parent we have to do your best to be patient and understanding till he "feels" the thing he really wants - for himself...  He can follow mom or dad's steps and give all he's got and be quite good - but he will never have that inner peace one needs to really really really excel and be in FULL JOY of being...  this is a tricky aspect of parenting.  So unless he can tell you exactly what he wants - you have to judge by his heart - effort in the activities he participates in.  If hockey is NOT his thing - then maybe try something else...  

Especially at this age - unless a child really knows and can express himself clearly and openly - then the best we can do as parents is provide him options and then unconditionally support.  If it doesn't work out - it doesn't work...  let it go - and try something else - and keep having conversations with him...  at some point it will come from his heart and you will both know.   

Note:  as I mentioned earlier some kids do have it in their heart to please mom or dad...  this is difficult too - as this may have come from the very early years and not his TRUE nature...  but ride it out with him - keep talking to him and maybe letting him know that what pleases you is what pleases him!!

It's all process...  My wife and I have 3 children (18, 22 and 23) and not one was the same....  

LOVE THEM NO MATTER WHAT - and everything will be just fine!

This may be a bit more than you expected - but raising your son with love and harmony is worth every word...  hockey is a great game to play yes - he will see that THROUGH you and his friends...  if the FUN is seen - he will jump in ...  if not...  it's no big deal --  REALLY...  life is abundant.

Good luck Chris...  feel free to ask any follow up question if you will.  I can only share my experiences and ultimately you will make your choices the best you know how.

Sincerely,

Martial