Encouragement

Question
Hi Martial:

My daughter is 10 years old and has been playing hockey for a little over three years. She has amazing skills when it comes to drills, practices, scrimmages, etc. In fact, a lot of the time, her coaches have her demonstrate skills to other players. However, when it comes to games, she seems slower and often times, lost on the ice. The unfortunate thing about that is that when she finishes her shifts, she usually returns to the bench and gets a good "scolding" from her coach. I can only imagine how much she must dread returning to the bench. I've been wondering lately whether or not she's fallen into that unfortunate cycle where you're not doing so great, you get yelled at about it, and you keep not doing great because you're feeling somewhat demoralized. It becomes really hard to dig yourself out of and you lose enthusiasm and confidence. Lately we've also noticed that she sometimes gets off the ice before the rest of her line. When we asked her about that, she said that her coach told her and her teammates to go ahed and get off if they feel like they're tired - they'd rather have fresh, rested players out there. My fear is that she's doing it because she feels like the less time she's out there, there's less of an opportunity for her to do something wrong, and the less of a chance of her getting yelled at.

She's never been the most aggressive player - I've chalked that up to her being a polite, only child. Although, she has made great improvements in that area compared to when she started.  But, she's got a ways to go if you compare her to some of her other teammates.

The funny thing is that she loves the game - watching it on tv, going to games, she says she wants to play on the Olympic Team when she gets older. My husband and I have always been the type of parents that have encouraged her to follow her dreams and have told her that if she worked hard enough, she could accomplish anything. After all, the harsh realities of life come soon enough. But, when I look at her, in a way, it seems like her spirit is being broken. I don't want to see her lose her love and enjoyment of the game.

At this point, I'm wondering if she's not fully understanding the game, whether it's possibly an issue of fearing getting hurt, or something I haven't thought of yet? Is there maybe something we could be doing off-ice that could help her - both mentally and physically (to improve her speed and endurance)? I would certainly appreciate any wisdom that you have to share. Thanks in advance for your time.

Lorelai  

Answer
Hi Lorelai!!

I TOTALLY feel what you are experiencing!  Often "good" kids will find themselves in these types of situations and with a COMPETITIVE game like hockey it can produce some very interesting challenges!  

Some coaches genuinely want your son and daughter to do well - and their passion to help comes out "wrong" and is sometimes NOT the best way for every child...  each child has their own set of motivation buttons.

It would appear your daughter loves the GAME as a GAME - the skating, the puck handling, the speed - the potential for FUN (without mistakes)...  but when it gets serious and when people get attached to "success/failure" aspects - it gets "too" serious for her and takes the FUN out!!

Your daughter is perfectly OK with this choice, unfortunately it could raise some challenges to any aspirations of playing at higher (very competitive) levels!  Very few will have the PURE skills to be able to excel without the "adversity" of competition failure/success demands.

Something that could help the process for the short haul is focus on improving her confidence...  and then maybe the courage and thrill of competition that "professional" athletes naturally possess will "grow"!

Among other things, confidence comes from good equipment, practice (experience), positive encouragement, and detachment to outcome!!

The first three are pretty straightforward and can be easily addressed.  i.e. 1. make sure she realizes she is protected and won't really be hurt in most situations... (you may want to simulate falls or puck/stick contact to reassure him) 2. keep focusing on improving his BASIC skills first like skating, passing, puck handling, and shooting...  shinny can help this...  or even just SOLO pond hockey play..., 3. and keep giving her positive feedback for things she does well, and only gentle loving coaching on things to improve... - because the bottom line at this stage is she must find this FUN - after all he is really only 10!!)...

The last one - DETACHMENT TO OUTCOME - is probably one of the toughest to entrain - as this can go AGAINST the grain of alot of what "society" teaches!  i.e. having goals, achieving, dedication, "caring"... to point where "winning is everything"...  

But there is a delicate balance needed so as not to make these overpowering to the mind, heart and spirit one brings to the rink...  it's OK to have these, and give one's BEST EFFORT... but then there comes a point one MUST LET GO.  If your daughter, or any of us, have trouble with the LETTING GO after we do GIVE our BEST efforts...  then that is where FEAR and (mental) suffering comes in, and really messes with our (self) confidence!

So...  in some way - we must become aware of this and continue to improve, evolve, while being open to just LETTING GO so as not to "beat our selves down" into a version of ourselves that becomes less than what we can most servingly offer!!  (I have this feeling your daughter is at the crossroads of: "what if she falls, fails, messes up...etc...."???  she may need some reassurance that it is JUST A GAME, everything IS Ok... HAVE FUN and KEEP DOING BEST YOU POSSIBLY CAN, etc.)

I know this may be a bit deep...  so feel free to ask any follow up questions...  but in my opinion, the sooner we can become aware of the relationship all this has on our minds, heart and spirit - the more "free" we can become to be the best version of the greatest vision we can hold of ourselves...  and ENJOY the process of LIFE and the Great GAME of Hockey!

Hope this helps!

Good luck and HAVE FUN!

Cheers

Martial