Daughter Wants to Quit

Question
Hello,

My 17 year old daughter has been playing ball since she was 10 years old.  She's a natural at it and has played at State level in Australia.  However, she had a very negative coach for a couple of years who told her that the only reason she ever got picked for the State team was because of her height (she's 198cm tall)and not because of any skills.  This has left her feeling totally inadequate on the court and says she is afraid of letting her team-mates down, and now wants to stop playing.  What can I do for her?  Would a mentor help and, if so, how do I go about getting one for her?

Regards,,
Andrea

Answer
Hello Andrea

People often don't realize the power that coaches wield over their players, both positively and negatively.  A good coach can build up a player, helping them be the very best they can be, or a coach can totally destroy a player's confidence.  Sometimes coaches believe that lots of negative feedback motivates players to always seek to improve.  In my opinion that works about 1/10th of 1 percent of the time.  I see the other 99.9 percent in my office after they've had their confidence destroyed by a negative coach.

One of the questions I'd really like to know in your situation is WHY?  If your daughter helps the team win, well, that's what coaches are really interested in.  UNLESS there is another agenda going on here.  What are the dynamics between your daughter and the coach?  Is the fact that your daughter is playing on the team preventing ANOTHER girl from playing (like the coach's daughter or friend or ??). Is this type of coach behavior being noticed by the other team-mates and are any of them also on the receiving end?  Sometimes coaches never made it in their sport and take it out on their players.  I've seen all of these dynamics and many more.  Coaches can have a lot of power - are the other members of the team intimidated?  Any of the other parents have any opinions about this?

There's always a payoff to how people behave.  My first suggestion is to talk to the coach and find out what's going on.  It would be nice if that could lead to a solution that would help your daughter.

But, this is really about your daughter.  For us to change how we feel, often we need PROOF.  Your daughter feels inadequate because she's been getting negative PROOF from the coach.  What's necessary is for her to be able to shift her perspective by getting positive proof from other credible sources (to her) that she is a good player.

There are a number of ways to do this.  One, take a trip down memory lane together with scrapbooks, trophies, videos, etc. and get her agreement that there are other tall girls, but she is the one who made the team.  She has to agree with this and you might have to really sell her on it.  Another idea is to call her previous coaches, tell them what's going on and ask if they would talk to her and remind her why they were happy to have her play on THEIR teams.  Team-mates can be really supportive and girls are better at sharing feelings.  How do the other girls on the team feel about this and will they reassure your daughter that she's helping the team?

Mentors can be really good.  What kind of mentor do you want?  A former basketball player who can help your daughter improve and build her confidence back up?  A private coach?  I'd ask the other experts on this forum for their ideas as well.  Plus, you could call your local college coaches and talk to them about it.  Would your daughter be playing college basketball?  On the positive side, most coaches REALLY like motivated players and will do a lot to help them succeed.  They also understand that kids go through rough spots and need to be helped through them.

Good luck and let me know how it goes.

David

David Kenward, The Mental Coach
Sacramento, California
http://www.thementalcoach.com
Win the Mental Game: Perform better under pressure in any sport
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