Afraid of failing

Question
This is more a question about the mental game of baseball. Last season I realized I often think about negative thoughts. For example I may be afriad of choking in key situations or just making stupid plays. Like throwing the ball back into play after a single and overthrowing the second baseman or something.

I'm afraid to fail I guess. I'm reading "The Mental Game of Baseball" by H.A. Dorfman. But even this doesn't help because I don't play baseball all year round. I need to be in those situations to learn how to react to them. I've had just about the same problem playing my trombone. I use the skills I learned in that book to help. I'm afraid of playing some wrong note on my instrument when I'm doing a solo on some piece. I don't play loud, I feel uncomfortable. I think about playing the wrong note. Since this happens often, I try to use the skills learned in the book as a substitute since I don't play baseball all year round. But it still doesn't work. I think about playing the right note but in a few seconds, I think about playing the wrong note.

Is there any advice you can give me regarding being afraid of failing? How can I play fearless? I watched the Red Sox do it all postseason long. I watched my "idiots" unafraid of losing. What should I do?

Answer
Your question hits me close to my heart.

I'm afraid I can't help you with the trombone--but I can offer some experience with the mental part of baseball.  Even with the trombone, you are talking about performing in front of others, which is something you should get a handle on early as you can, because this can carry over into many other aspects of life and even love too.  This is outside of baseball, but I am a 37-year-old father of three now, and I look back at mistakes I made as an athlete, hoping to give my children better advice than anyone gave to me when I was young.  Trust me, I was a "headcase," but that is not always a bad thing.  I used to ask about fear of failure and freezing, choking, thinking too much.  I know where you are at, and it does happen to everyone, some more than others--but it does happen to everyone.

My wife asked me one time what is the most important thing we could teach our children, and here is my answer--as if I were your coach or parent, I will give the same answer to you:

I believe the single most important thing for success in life is to develop and understanding that you DESERVE the best things.  My belief is that people do NOT get what they deserve in life--instead, they get what they truly BELIEVE THEY DESERVE.

So, I suspect it is less of a "fear of failure" than there is a hesitation to step up into the spotlight and grab the success.

Over time, you have to teach yourself, through small successes, that you are and you can.  In other words, that kid in every school who is the starting quarterback or the star or the captain, why is he?  Is he so much bigger or stronger or more gifted than the others?  Or is he just the one who was thinking "Me--I'll be the star."  Coaches sense this in players as soon as they step on a field.  Some kids, you just look at them, and "gimme the ball, coach" is written all over their faces.

Star athletes develop in different ways.  Some already know, before tryouts or anything, that they will be the star of the team.  If they think it, they are already halfway there.  When guys like that face a pressure situation, they don't say, "what if I fail," they say, "Me, I want to do it.  I want to be the one who makes the play."

You have to learn to think this way.  Don't read too much about sports psychology.  You might be thinking way too hard.  Just think about what I say above: you deserve to make some plays--even the big plays--you deserve it as much as anyone.  The great football coach Vince Lombardi said the following: "Sports don't build character, they reveal it."

Psychologically, you should be working off the field to keep reminding yourself: I deserve to be good.  Keep saying it and thinking it to yourself.

Now, baseball is one of the toughest mental games there is, and if you think too much, you are going to have trouble.  Here are some important things--just about baseball--to remember:

Since you sound like a Red Sox fan, let's have a look at Ted Williams' .406 batting average in 1941.  Think about this:  he was getting a hit 40.6 percent of his times at bat...and he was FAILING almost 60% of the time otherwise.  A star .300 hitter is FAILING about 70 percent of the time!

Think of the mental ability you must have to keep returning to the plate.  I'm sure there were times that Ted Williams went 0-for-12 across a few games, but I doubt there was ever a time when Ted Williams didn't THINK he DESERVED to get up and get a hit.  Can you imagine if he told himself he was having a "fear of failure" when he had a cold streak?  I don't think he would have hit .400 if he thought that there was something wrong with himself.

There is nothing wrong with you.  And a "fear of failure" is a good thing!  Everyone should have some fear of failure.  But you just need an adjustment in your approach and you REACTION to failures.  When you make an out, how do you react?  Do you say to yourself, "I have a fear of failure," or do you learn something about the pitcher who just got you out and say, "I'm gonna hit this guy next time up because I deserve to just as much as the other guys who got hits off him.

Once you have done something, you should no longer be afraid of it, right?  So, if you failed, you already know what that is like.  So concentrate on the next time.  Concentrate, not so much on thinking "I can, I can," which is good and positive...but concentrate most on telling yourself, "I deserve it."

Don't worry about if you overthrow your cutoff man...instead, be excited because you DESERVE to be the one who makes the next great throw to peg the runner.  Say to yourself, "I'm gonna have some fun with the next guy who tries to run to third.  I'm gonna fire one to the base and have fun throwing him out."

With this type of thinking, even when you do fail--and everybody does make errors and mistakes--but when you do, you can kind of laugh and say, "okay, but I'll be laughing harder when they try that again, because I KNOW I CAN BE THE ONE THROWING HIM OUT."

And at the plate, don't be afraid of swinging the bat.  You get three swings.  Take all three.  Coaches will tell you "take a strike," and there are times to do that, but hell, make sure when you swing that bat and tell yourself that YOU DESERVE TO SWING IT and you DESERVE to be the one getting the hits, always.

And remember to have fun, even in failure sometimes.  And if you are in a situation where there is fear, remind yourself that true courage doesn't mean you don't get scared.  True courage means that when you are scared it doesn't stop you.  Everyone is scared, but not everyone overcomes it, so be very proud of yourself and keep going.

When you get older, this theme of what-you-believe-you-deserve can and will affect everything in life.  When you see a girl at a dance, you have to first be thinking, "do I deserve to go out with her?"  If you don't think you do, you are in trouble, just like in baseball.  Think to yourself, someone has to date her, why not me?  And again, if she says no, don't worry or have a "fear of failure," instead, you can be happy knowing that you deserve better anyway.  When you have a career and you go on a job interview, you have to first convince the company that you are deserving of the job.  Do you think you deserve it?  Do you deserve a raise, or are you afraid of failing when you ask the boss?

In the U.S. Naval Academy, in the wrestling room, the walls have this written in giant yellow letters:

"IF NOT YOU, WHO?"

You can do it--whatever you want to do.  If you don't do it tomorrow, you can do it the tomorrow after that.  If you go 0-for-12, you can do it on the 13th time up.  If you ask a girl to go out and she says no, maybe the next one will say yes.

There only shame is in not believing you can and you will.

Feel free to write any time.  I was a gifted player when I was in high school but I let the same issues you asked about bother me, and I did very little in baseball.  Later, at 30, I returned to the game and I did very well.  I wish I told myself that I deserved to be a great player when I was 14, because I really was one and I never knew it.

You deserve all the best.  Don't let fear or failures or anything stop you, ever.