What is the Wilderness?

The wilderness, according to Walt Disney, is a place where the animals talk and the trees can grab you when you aren’t looking. So the first obvious thing you want to do when you find yourself in the wilderness is to ask the animals to yell when the trees are going to grab you. Make sure you find animals that speak your language though because there is nothing more confusing than a squirrel trying to tell you frantically to watch out in Spanish when you only speak English. He’s waving his little arms all over the place and by the time you catch on you are in the clutches of some evil tree and it is too late. So when you are in the wilderness you need to make sure you keep an eye on the trees and only make friends with the animals that speak the same language you do.

The wilderness is also where Batman hides the entrance to his Batcave. It used to be in a cave that simply had a wooden construction barrier across it that would collapse every time Batman would get near it in the Batmobile. But in the recent movies the Batcave is hidden in the wilderness behind a waterfall. So when you are out in the wilderness make sure you check behind every waterfall for a cave because you never know if you will see the Batmobile staring back at you as it rockets off to save the day.

Big Bad Wolf

According to the fairy tales the wolves in the wilderness like to eat people and dress in drag. Obviously this is just a story as everyone knows that wolves don’t eat people so be on the lookout for purse swinging wolves when you are bouncing through the wilderness. If your name just happens to be Little Red Riding Hood you may want to lay off the whole hood thing because it is just a dead give away and not even a wolf is that stupid.

According to the Legend Of Sleepy Hollow the wilderness is a place where a guy with no head cruises around on his horse looking to chop off other people’s heads to try and find a replacement for the head he lost. In my opinion that is just rude. But that is the way things go in the great outdoors. Out in God’s country there are no rules and it is every inconsiderate headless creep for himself. So if you find yourself wandering the woods someday just be sure to ask a deer for directions and watch out for that tree.