Golf For Old People

You can start golf at any time in life. Tiger Woods started playing with his daddy when he was four years old. His father was an African American, a veteran who married a Japanese women. Tiger learned how to play golf from his father but he inherited his desire for perfection and his perseverance, at least in part, from his mother. But there is golf for old people too and that is exactly what this article is about.

Getting Started

Don’t start your career in golf by going out to the range to hit balls. Others there will actually be hitting the balls which will only bring discouragement. Besides, you might get put next to some guy who thinks he is a golf pro and he will say, “NO, NO! Hold the club like this,” which reminds me of an old joke:

Two guys are playing golf in Pennsylvania on a golf course next to the Pennsylvania Turnpike. As the cars, trucks and buses whiz by, Jim the tall golfer from Scranton in the blue hat, hits the ball with all his might and it goes flying out over the Turnpike.

Fred, the stocky one in the yellow hat, says, “You got the range, Jim.”

The two of them stand in a trance as they watch the golf ball hit a biker in the head. The biker swerves in front of a bus, and bike and bus go off the rode. Seven cars, trying to avoid the chaos, collide first into each other and then into the bus. Quickly the Turnpike is backed up for miles as emergency vehicles race to the scene with sirens screaming.

Jim and Fred are still standing there when they see a person in baggy pants and a brim hat walking towards them. They immediately recognized him as a Pennsylvania highway patrolman.

When the patrolman gets up to the golfers he says, “Which one of you guys has the slice?”

Fred points to Jim.

Jim sees himself in court, paying hundreds of thousands of dollars in fines and spending ten years in jail for involuntary manslaughter.

The patrolman’s name tag says, “Albert.”

Patrolman Albert says, “Is this the driver you used?”

Jim is frozen but Fred nods, yes.

Patrolman Albert lowers the club as if to take a shot and says, “Well, hold it a little more like this.”

Moving Right Along

What you want to do to start your golf career is to get that old crochet set out of the barn. No! No! Not your wife’s crochet needles. We are not going to make doilies. You know the clubs and those big colored balls.

If you can’t find a crochet set, you may as well buy a fishing pole.

Oh, you got a set from the old lady down the road. Good! Now we can get started.

Here is why we start with crochet rather than with golf equipment:

1. The balls are big and easy to hit. In golf the balls are small and hard to hit.

2. In crochet there are no sand traps and water hazards.

3. If we don’t like crochet, we won’t like golf so we save tons of money.

Play a bunch of games of crochet. When you get good, replace the big ball with a golf ball.

If you hit the golf ball through the loops, and if you can hit an opponent’s ball, you are ready for putting. You can use your crochet club as your putter. That could save you $60.00.

I will tell you one thing to remember now that you are an excellent putter and ready to play golf. There is no such thing as the 19th hole. It is the bar in the club house. Always carry a deck of cards when you go golfing. You may want to spend your day at the 19th hole.

One thing about golf is that you can play it anywhere, even here in Idaho. Let’s see. I think there is a golf course just across the Snake River.

John