Golf Helps For Old Men

As we age one might expect that our golf scores would increase. That would be good in football, baseball, soccer and bowling. However, sometime in the pass someone took all the fun out of golf by saying that a low score was better than a high score. That someone invented a thing called par. Par is what one should expect to shoot on a particular hole.

This same someone invented a thing called a birdie which means that a golfer has shot one under par. On a par 4 hole, that would mean he shot a 3. An eagle means two under par but they are both birds.

That is very confusing. He should have called the birdie the crow or such, maybe a robin. "Nice Robin, Joe!" But no, he used birdie and eagle instead of robin and eagle. So we all know this low-score and par guy didn't know birds about golf and that high score is best. How did he get away with this stuff?

The fact remains that as we get older we increase our golf score. We bogey and double bogey and triple bogey. Of course the character that invented par invented the bogey which means that you shot one more time on a hole than par allows. Who could expect less? He also decided that a golf course should have sand traps and rough and lakes. He is trying to give us a high score when he knows that a low score is the rule of success. Hypocrite!

Par for a hole is always set two lower than it should be. A par four hole should actually be a par six hole.

Because of the saddest that design golf courses we must trudge up and down hills, end in the rough, and dig out of sand traps so that we will have a high score and be scorned by our fellow golfers. They call us names like duffer. A duffer is a dull-witted, indecisive old man. Now that strikes just a bit too close to home.

The history of golf is vague but I have decided it was invented by a Scot with an ingrown toenail and an impacted molar. His name was most likely Par McGolf and he could see the sea from the fields where he tended his sheep. He used his staff to swing at stones and he became guite good at knocking them into rabbit holes. As he developed the game he decided that the projectile should have plenty of water to land in. So our modern golf courses are best if they are impossible to play with hills and dales and sand traps and ponds or lakes to catch errant balls. If it doesn't land in the water or a sand trap, it will surely land in the rough.

Golf balls have a secret ingredient that causes them to seek water and a "wet landing."

I learned that the best golf courses are in England. You hit the ball into the boonies and out fly pheasants and other winged creatures except--I never saw an eagle. And out come rabbits and badgers too.

Also boys run out onto the fairways with buckets and steal your balls.

If a boy steals your ball after it lands in the rough, give a friendly wave.

I leaned that in Africa one never goes into such wooded areas to find a lost ball. The golfer says, "Boy, go get that ball for me." You never know. A black mamba could be lurking in the grass.

The rough is of course the coarser grass that borders the fairway. In the States that has never bothered me. But in England the rough is really heavy-gauge barbed wire left over from World War I. It is painted green with leftover camouflage paint from the Boar War.

The first time I landed in the rough in England I was only about 18 inches from the fairway. I could see the pin (hole marker flag) and I thought, This is one easy shot. I took a chipping wedge and gave a great swing--and about broke my wrist as the club smashed into that war surplus bobbed wire.

The ball took off and landed back in the rough about six inches away.

I was warned about the rough by my laughing British host--after the shot.

Everything is against you on an English golf course. The wind and rain and cold can spring up without warning and pretty soon I would think, Here I am back in Korea trudging through the mud behind a Sherman tank.

Now we know that golf is a dangerous and intimidating game designed to turn old men into duffers. So we do need an edge to enjoy golf. Here are some golf helps for old men who don't know enough to go fishing instead:

1. Remember that the club house is your best friend. Check in early with a deck of cards and your old cronies. At noon have a nice lunch. Head home for a nice afternoon nap. Tell your wife you had a great day when she asks you how your game went.

2. If you insist on getting out on the course, take an umbrella and a GPS. Rent a golf cart and have an enjoyable ride around the course. Take you binoculars in case you see some birds of interest. Don't forget your camera and bird guide. Take your grandson along to handle the GPS when you get lost. Yes, you leave your clubs in the trunk of your car.

3. If you insists on actually playing the game, then first get with the course pro. Have him take a look at your stroke. Take a few swings so that the pro can give you a hand. If he does not give you a hand but rolls over laughing, head back to the club house. Did you bring the playing cards?

4. O.K. You are actually going to play. Make sure you have your Ben-Gay and Watkins Liniment (the kind that is good for horses too). Buy one of those long putters that come up to your chin. It won't help your game but you won't have to bend over. Many a pro has proven this. You may be too far from the ball to see it. Leave your glasses at home?

5. Use this step to help you hit the ball. No matter where you are, slyly push a tee under the ball. This will not help your score either, but you might actually hit the ball. (A sly kick can often you get you out of the rough. The same if you find yourself behind a tree.)

6. Don't use any club lower in number than a five iron. You can hurt yourself with those big clubs. I suggest you put a five iron and a sand wedge into your bag along with that silly-looking long putter. Leave the rest of the clubs at home in the garage. Maybe your wife can dump them at her garage sell.

I guess there are a lot of other things you could do to make your old-age golf more enjoyable like going to a movie instead. I won a gift in one golf tournament. It was a fishing pole. I took that as a big hint. So when I get the urge to hit the links, I take the grand-kids fishing.

Despite my advice you will call your friend, Joe, and head for the golf course. You will find that your slow play will cause other golfers to play through. As he passes through some par-shooting teenager might make "dilatory" remarks. Be prepared to defend yourself by throwing an empty beer can at him and saying: "Don't call me a duffer you insolent young whippersnapper."